Citing the latest poll numbers from the United States, Canadian officials said Friday they are preparing for an influx of young liberal entrepreneurs from the San Francisco area come November by preparing to convert Toronto’s famed Rogers Centre – which will be rerenamed “SkyDome” – into a massive co-working refugee space that can host some 4,000 startups and up to 25,000 employees. They expect anywhere between 750,000 and 2 million American refugees overall, with tens of thousands from Silicon Valley alone.
“We understand this will be a traumatic moment for all these young people coming from the Upper West Side in New York or the Mission in San Francisco,” said Canadian Minister of Health Jane Philpott. The Canadian government, which has made efforts in recent months to attract more foreign talent with its professional visas for entrepreneurs and startups, is worried the influx could spark a public health crisis from the stress of fleeing trendy American cities for the great white north. “We want to make sure that they find a safe space to sip their lattes and utilize their latest Apple computers while their lives are upended by President Trump.”
The center, which would be re-dubbed “Sky Home,” would see astroturf replaced with cherry-wood floor paneling, the outfield fence replaced with urban-style interior brick walls, and lots of shabby posters with trite quotes from successful entrepreneurs. Starbucks is reportedly planning to donate some 500,000 metric tons of strawberry frappucinos and pumpkin spice lattes (for the ladies of course) to fuel the makeshift startup center. Activists across the United States are already expecting a massive effort by the Trump-led White House to prevent America’s best talent from crossing the border. As a result, they are preparing to launch an “underground railroad on steroids.”
“This is a crisis, and we in Canada are not aboot to look the other way,” said Canadian Minister of Defense, Harjit Sajjan. The minister added that plans are already being drawn up for a 3,987-mile-long wall along the U.S.-Canadian border should the refugee crisis become unbearable for Canucks, or if President Trump turned his ire from Mexico City to Ottawa. “We will be prepared if Trump tries to have us return these young, coddled, entrepreneurial hipsters back to their concrete-non-cubicle offices. That being said, we want to ensure a soft landing for those fleeing America’s technology hubs in Boston, New York, and Silicon Valley.”
The Toronto Blue Jays have already announced plans for a temporary move to Saskatoon for the 2017 season.
*Note of disclosure: Unfortunately, this is an April Fools’ Day joke. Every aspect of this story is false. Gotcha!
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